Text Flirting — What to Do When She Doesn’t

I’m usually a fan of advice based on positivity, but sometimes you need to deal with not so great situations.  I just ran into one of these last night, and I’m going to use it as a springboard for this question:  what do you do when your text flirting falls flat?

Here’s what triggered this…a couple weeks ago I went out with some friends, and met this girl Ashleigh (yes, she had the unusual spelling and made sure I got it right).  Over three bars and many drinks we hit it off, and ended up at my place that night and had fun.  You’d think it’d go somewhere…but it ended up awry.

She forgot some jewelry at my house, so I waited until the following evening and sent a quick teasing text “just found a silver bracelet…so not my style, wonder who’s it could be ;) ”.  For any girl into me, that’d work wonders.  Instead…I got a one-word text of “Whoops”.

For anyone paying attention to the rules of tempo knows that her answering my text with one word is a bad sign.  Still, we did just hook up the night before so perhaps she was playing coy.  I left it on ice for a few days and tried again.

Long story short, I used a few casual pinging texts over the course of the next week and a half.  Each time, I’d get a weak response from her.  Sometimes you need to just grin and bear that time period and keep trying, as she’ll come around.  This time, she didn’t.

So, when you’ve had a good exchange with a girl but then your flirty text is suddenly falling on deaf ears, there are a couple things to keep in mind:
1.  Don’t keep digging your hole.  It’s tempting to keep sending her more texts to try to turn it around, but any time she’s giving you weak responses, go quiet and wait to try again another day.  If you instead keep pushing, you’ll permanently hurt her attraction to you.

2.  You can be persistent…but it must be patient.  It’s one thing to text a girl once or twice a week until either she starts responding positively or you lose interest.  What isn’t cool is trying over and over again, day after day.  A good rule of thumb is this:  wait one day after the first text, then for every text that doesn’t go somewhere, wait an extra day.  So, skip one day…then skip two…then skip three…etc.  This keeps you from going into “OMG stalker territory” in her eyes while giving you a shot at turning it around.

Now, in the story I told you here I followed my own text flirting advice and it didn’t pan out.  That happens.  Just to show you another example, a couple months ago I met this girl at a downtown bar.  The first text I sent her got a lukewarm response, so I waited a day and tried again.  Still a weak response.  I waited two days, and got another so-so reply.  I then waited three days after that…and when I sent her a casual joke, I got a great reply and ended up seeing her later that week.

It turns out she had a boyfriend so we didn’t go anywhere, but by being patiently persistent, I met her and her friends out and ended up dating one of them for a while.  The right kind of low-key pursuit in flirting can work for you, you just have to accept that there’s always going to be randomness in who goes somewhere and who doesn’t.

Interested in how to send flirty texts and be successful with seeing her again? Check out this book, which takes you through everything you need to know about what to text her, when to text, and how to handle her both when she’s already into you and when you have to do some work to get her interested.

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Text Flirting — A Matter of Timing

Maintaining the tempo of texting is important…but before you can get into managing your text message flow, you need to time when to contact her.  Let’s go over that…here’s the scenario:  you’ve just met a cute girl at the bar Friday night, and you want to follow up.  Do you call or text?

You’re reading this site so I’m sure you know I’m going to say “text!”, but there’s a good reason for it.  Calling a girl for your first contact is like going all in on a poker hand:  all your chips are on the table and if she doesn’t return your call, you’re probably done.  On the flip side, texting is like probing for interest…with the right first text, even if she doesn’t answer you can try again later.

Also, most 20-something women (and an increasing number of older ones) are compulsive texters, and are simply more comfortable with it than that nerve-wracking first call.  After all, as scary as it can be for a guy to call her and have to make it into an exciting talk…every attractive girl has had awful drawn-out phone talks to nowhere, and so is cautious about getting into them again.  Like it or not, all men pay the price for those who can’t handle themselves with girls.

Now that we’ve agreed on texting her, the next question is…when?  I love Swingers (the movie, for the culturally clueless ;) as much as the next guy, but the era of waiting “exactly two days” is done.  For girls that you meet in nightlife–ie. bars or clubs–I’ve found your best bet for the first text message is within 24 hours.  

If you meet her at 11 PM on a Friday, you can even send the first one as you go home at last call.  If you’ve met the girl during the day or through friends, you can safely bump that window of time up to 48 hours…but again, I would not drag it out.

I can already hear cries of “but isn’t that needy!”, so let me put this way:  playing super aloof may sound like good advice to guys who used to come on too strong to girls, but it’s a trap of its own making.  When you’ve met a girl with alcohol on the table–which is true for most nightlife and house parties–even if she was into you at the time, there’s a risk of her forgetting you quickly…especially if she’s given her number out to four other guys that night.

Instead, you’re better off sending that first text early…and starting your text flirting on the right foot.  From there, you can get more creative with your timing and content of messages.  At the same time, never forget this:  you text her to get her to meet you out, as real gains are only happening in person.  The flirty text is just another tool on the path to having women in your life, though it’s now a critical one.

Interested in how to send flirty texts and be successful with seeing her again? Check out this book, which takes you through everything you need to know about what to text her, when to text, and how to handle her both when she’s already into you and when you have to do some work to get her interested.

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